Enhancing Emotional Intelligence

Recently on Linked In, a question was asked regarding emotional intelligence and how to enhance it. I was taken by this question as I am a student of this concept and have spent considerable time in my career learning (often the hard way) how to improve my emotional intelligence abilities. This also is one of a number of critical aspects of effective leadership. In my research of emerging leadership attributes I found that decisiveness, integrity, emotional intelligence and communication skill. We discussed integrity a few times already (756 Homeruns and Adversity and Integrity) . In future posts we will talk about communication (one form of which is this blog) as well as decisiveness. In the meantime emotional intelligence...

There are a few things that I recommend to enhance emotional intelligence when coaching others. My focus is primarily on improving self management and awareness of interactions with others.

On interacting with others

1. I recommend that you find someone who can provide trusted candid feedback. There is no better way to gain an understanding of how you interact with others than to get a trusted external perspective.

2. I recommend that you pay attention to body language. Take an introductory course in Neuro Linguistic Programming, or read a book on the subject so you can be more aware of others reactions and their potential meaning. Then, with those you have a good working relationship with, when you see an unfamiliar physical reaction stop. Consider what you have just said. Did you say something that could have been misinterpreted, something insensitive, something callous? If so apologize. I am sorry that did not come out right what I meant was...

3. Ask people you know to be more emotionally intelligent for feedback and help in understanding others reactions.

4. Lead a volunteer group and pay attention to how group members react to your behaviors. They best part of volunteers is they can vote with their feet. They are not paid to be there or to follow you. You have to learn how to lead in a way that meets their needs of a leader or they will leave. This is a great arena to hone your skills.

Self Management

The most important aspect of self management is to be aware of your own behaviors in the moment. Pay attention to your own emotions; learn to recognize the signs of an approaching emotional state and what triggers it. For instance when I am about to get angry I can feel my head getting warmer as the blood rushes to my brain. When I sense this coming I look for the trigger and then force myself to breathe. Breathing gives me a moment to think and gain control of myself before an unwanted reflexive reaction can take over

The other practice I recommend is to play back your interactions with others paying attention to how you behaved and how you felt. Again the intent here is to understand your normal reaction patterns and see the signs of their approach. I then ask what could I have done differently in that situation that would have achieved a different better outcome.

Lead well

Ron H

Fear

What are you afraid of?

Everyone is afraid of something aren’t they?

I once listened to a motivational speaker who addressed the issue of fear. He said that most of what we are afraid of will never happen, so why be afraid? Great logical argument, I even agreed with him. Only thing is how many of our fears stem from a rational logical understanding of our environment? They are fears for the simple reason that they are not always rational and originate in our emotions.

I HATE snakes!

In 1998 I was doing some yard work at my home in Michigan. I was going to get the hose and water the garden when I looked down and saw a snake curled into a coil staring back at me. I must have jumped three feet in the air and backward at the same time. I hate snakes! Yes I am afraid of them. This one was about 5 feet long and looked pretty menacing. It could have been a rattlesnake, a boa constrictor... okay, okay it was probably a gartner snake! Who knew though, it scared me all the same.

So what did I do? I knew the only person in my family to handle this was me. My wife, if she knew about the snake, would have pierced my eardrum with her scream and my 8 year old son might have wanted to make the ugly thing into a pet so I was on my own.

So what did I do?

I had the upper hand on this reptile. I knew he was cold blooded. He might have known I was afraid but there was little he could do with that knowledge, especially when I came back armed with my garden hose and my top secret weapon. I had my hockey stick. Remind me to tell you about the many uses of the hockey stick. There are easily over a hundred. Use number 101 flinging sleepy soggy scary garner snakes back into the swamp from whence they came. First of course cool down the snake with cold water so he can’t move fast anymore. Problem solved.

What are you afraid of?

Are you afraid of failing? Boy do I have the book for you!

Are you afraid of projects?

Are you afraid of letting someone down?

Are you afraid of losing a family member a friend?

There are many reasons a person could find themselves afraid. I have found that in a leadership capacity it is helpful first to understand your fears. Lean into them and understand why you have them.

I HATE dealing with money!

Four months ago I took a class in finance. For those of you who do not know me I really don’t like money. I can’t seem to make enough of it each month to keep it from draining out of the bank account before the back account runs out of month. Taking finance was like confronting a dreaded enemy.

At the start of the term, I had the most amusing self talk going on in my head. I can’t do this. I am going to fail. What will people think? Won’t you look silly, stupid even? This was followed shortly thereafter by this doesn’t look so bad I bet I can do this. I just have to dig in and learn hard! This was followed by: Crap! Look at all the work I have to do! How will I keep up? I’m gonna fail for sure. There’s no way I can learn all this new stuff and still get all this work done. I’m a gonner!

Well, at about this point I started to listen in on my self talk and chuckle. Listen to all this fear and doubt. Where did that come from? Maybe I can do this may be I cannot, but I will not allow the single grade of this course to define whether I am a success or a failure. Let’s get to work.

Want to know how I did? "A", enough said.

What Defines You?

The lesson here for me was having the presence of mind to recognize what was going on inside my head. I had to see the old negative script playing and turn off the projector. I long ago decided who I was and what I was about. I am not my grades, I am my character. I am the gifts and talents that have been bestowed upon me. I am an encouraging father, a loving husband, a dependable friend, a trustworthy coach, an honorable son, a successful manager and a growing Christian. I am not my fears.

I had to identify where my hope was, where my strengths lied, commit to a life of learning, growing and forgiveness. I also had to recognize that most of my fears would never come to pass; they were irrational extensions of a nervous reality that I chose to momentarily indulge.

Who are you?

Lead well

Ron